Tonight, at least. /prose

The lights glow dim under canvas walls. Starlight. Memory. We speak soft, talking as we always did, our conversation stretching out into infinities and constellations. This is closer than you and I have been in weeks, but it feels like years, and so I revel in our connection.

Why are you here?

You’re lying next to me as I inhale. Hold. Let it hit. Exhale. The smoke drifts gently up towards the apex of the tent, our feet tucked together into my sleeping bag. Realms open in my mind. I am glowing with those dim lights. Your head angles towards mine. Closer.

Why are you here?

You shift and your forehead is touching mine. The conversation lulls, the axis tilts, the communication shifting into the non-verbal. I sense some second hand ticking quietly away somewhere in your mind. Something in my chest ticks in time with it. We both know what comes next.

Why
are
you
here?

Your hand is on my face
your mouth slants against mine

And god it would be so easy to just kiss you – discard all thought like the stub of the now spent joint, and kiss you

and kiss you
and kiss you

But the question remains:

Why are you here?

Your words proffer no new revelation.

And yet…

It’s in the early hours when I sense it. When the sleeping bag for one has been re-purposed, and the campsite lull has died. The starlight fading, dawn beginning to consider chasing to overtake the night.

One arm slung across me, your front against my back, bodies slotted together. Your nose buries into the nape of my neck, and I feel you inhale. Feel you exhale. Feel you let go. Feel you settle.

In your mind there is also question. And somehow, in this stark morning hour, I am your answer.

Tonight, at least; this is enough.

It’s Time.

I have decided.

I am so tired. Fed up. With lots of things… mainly with the system / mindset of people around me. I don’t want to start using sheep analogies, but working harder for less pay is a theme here, and spending our lives over worked, underpaid, stressed and zombified just about sums it up. Living to work instead of working to live. It’s everywhere, in everyone, and everything, except for of course – the people who are creating this system that works for them, and not the despondent class of people for whom the system was originally created in the first place.

I feel it everywhere. Maybe my eyes are more open now after everything I’ve been through? I feel it at work, mostly. The profession that I joined in order to do some good for people has resulted in sucking all of the joy and meaningfulness out of what I do. And I refuse to continue. I have no interest in being a sales person, selling my time in hourly slots to people that don’t even need or want it truly.

So I’m taking action to change things. I’m going back into my own education, I’m reading and watching and listening and learning. Opening myself up to the world again when I’ve been closed off for so long to try to heal myself. I want to deepen my understanding of everything again, get my curiosity back. Be proactive again.

So I’ve quit my job. Not completely, but my contract in essence doesn’t exist any more. I will still be working 8 casual hours a week at the gym, teaching my classes, and freelance personal training on the side. Free, and casual, as I was before.

When I was casual at my job I was so much happier at what I did because I had freedom, I had control. And gradually bit by bit that has been sucked away from me, and I just can’t do it any more. There are so many things wrong with the corporation I work for, so many things to be concerned with other than the customers well-being, and I am disillusioned. I am ready for change. To take the positive and the negative out of my 3 years there to develop into a better system.

Over archingly, I feel unhappy and disatissfied. I feel like this year I lost so much control over everything, and now I’m correcting it all one thing at a time. Taking it back piece by piece. I’m more secure and happier than I’ve ever been with Charlie. And I’m going to find a way of making life work for me, from now.

I just need to keep my mind focused on the bigger picture. Because it’s coming. And I have purpose again. I have control again.

And, speaking honestly, the worst has already happened. What do I have to fear, now that I have survived what I have?

This future is for me.

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“Too many people stop dreaming and die in their early twenties…they just don’t get buried until they are 75” – Brad Sugars