Two Steps Forward, One Step Back.

Trying to start this is one of the more difficult blogs I’ve written.

Charlie has done something hurtful whilst I’ve been away. I don’t want to go into detail, but it’s not good.

It’s been really difficult on him us being apart for the month, and he reacted poorly in a few minutes of madness according to him. We’ve become quite dependant on each other these past few months and I know it’s unhealthy. I can see how it’s happened, and it would have happened to any couple going through what we have together.

I know people aren’t perfect. But things damage me so much more now than they ever did – although I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, I’m weaker at the same time.

And it’s a really hard dynamic to manage.

Charlie is so very, very sorry. He’s been in tears, sent me email after email to try to undo the damage he knows has done in a few moments of brain hiccup. I can see in his face when we’re on the phone that he’s in pain for hurting me. I don’t think he can articulate it actually.

I forgive, of course I do.

But it hurts anyway. Especially at night. Like now. It’s always worse at night. I can think about something all day, and only feel the impact at night. He asked me not to tell anyone what he did. And that’s really hard for me because now I have to carry it alone, the way I have everything else for so long.

I wonder how I’ll ever continue to travel alone without worrying about a repeat of this?

Every time I book a flight will I be worrying this is going to happen again?

 

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