Betrayal Bonds. (Shifty Brain Dump)

Okay. In this post I’m going to collect some information, to share. For myself, and for you if you find it useful. It’s going to be a dumping ground for the past few weeks in therapy. Snippets, information, anything that helps me when I need it to.

In black and white, I’ve been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The reality of that is much more grey and foggy than simple words on a screen. There’s going to be lots of research and background info for me to come to terms with understanding what’s physically happening to my brain. I’ve worked out that if I understand the theory behind what’s happening to me, it enables me to process it and take control of it.

Pull up a chair if you so wish, or scroll past this one altogether if you don’t find it interesting or helpful. This post may be triggering.


‘A trauma bond is characterized by betrayal that is so purposeful and self-serving it moves to the realm of trauma. Trauma bonds create chains of trust that link a person to someone who is exploitive, dangerous, abusive and or toxic. A person in a trauma bond feels very confused about their relationship, yet they are unable to break free from it. (1)’

‘The victim engages in denial of the abuse for emotional self- protection.  In severe abuse (this can be psychological or physical), one form of psychological protection strategy is dissociation.  Dissociative states allow the victim to compartmentalize the abusive aspects of the relationship in order to focus on the positive aspects. (2)’

“Ultimately, trying to understand stuff like this is like Nietzsche says: “if you stare long enough into the Abyss, the Abyss stares also into you.” It literally made me insane. I had to learn that I was not how other people constructed me…I was and am in charge of my own identity, who I am, and why I do things. This is basic for most people I guess, but it has been a real task for me. I had to come to an understanding that what had been done was abusive, because in the manner of good psychopaths, they made everything look normal on the outside, that it was me with the problem. And so it was: their lives weren’t being torn up, mine was.” (3)

“It’s important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it’s easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.”

“Bonding is a biological and emotional process that makes people more important to each other over time. Unlike love, trust, or attraction, bonding is not something that can be lost. It is cumulative and only gets greater, never smaller. Bonding grows with spending time together, living together, eating together, making love together, having children together, and being together during stress or difficulty. Bad times bond people as strongly as good times, perhaps more so. Bonding makes it hard to enforce boundaries, because it is much harder to keep away from people to whom we have bonded. 

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way.. Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person.

The survivor can come to find that it can be almost impossible to relate to anyone, even family or old friends, except superficially. There is a biological craving for intensity that no normal relationship will satisfy. This provides a feeling of being totally alone, and totally empty. At first, only going back to the primary aggressor can overcome it.(4)

 

 

 

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Betrayal Bonds. (Shifty Brain Dump)

  1. I am so sorry to read of your abuse as I witness the ever growing traumatic bonding between an ex-boyfriend-a 55 year old man & his mom!!! Me witnessing such horrific behavior caused secondary trauma to my brain , I read, as (out of jealousy) his mother attempted to taser ME which I infer is how this 4’7” old lady controls her 6’2” son of hers! The taser attempt lasted approximately which lasted 45 minutes. The affects this Stockholm’s syndrome in the cycle of love bombing, confabulated promises of wealth yet she steals every penny from him, lies, name calling, no boundaries (she walks in any time uninvited,), makes him depend on her for every Sustaining life’s necessities, gaslighting, blame, everything but the abuse (I think sexual too!) is getting worse just as your story said! He can’t talk to me (a He robotic says repeatedly!) HES in 100% denial and is a robotic Slavs to her every whim… it appears.
    I know that I must now break away. I only visited several times a month so he’d not go completely insane as I once loved him!
    realized that the effects on s brain was/could happen to me!!!
    Whatever she’s doing to him is making him worry , look older and causing him to drink in excess!!!

    Like

  2. The affects that I saw up front/liveof Stockholm’s syndrome in the cycle of love bombing, confabulated promises of wealth, silent treatment, the full gammet while telling him he’s no good with finances and he works slabs labor becoming angry yet paid $10.00 & she steals every penny from him, lies, name calling, no boundaries (she walks in any time uninvited,), makes him depend on her for every Sustaining life’s necessities, gaslighting, blame, everything !!! Over time , just as you stated abuse is getting worse. He can’t talk to me (a He robotic says repeatedly!) HES in 100% denial and is a robotic Slavs to her every whim… it appears.
    I know that I must now break away. I visit him several times a month so he’d not go completely insane because years ago I loved him!
    I realized that the effects this emotional & psychological abuse has on a brain was/could/IS happening to me. Once I became aware of me becoming his target, knowledge is definitely power, I feel like the book &/or hopeful of him getting better has left my thoughts so I don’t feel for him as before! This has been going on almost 4 yreafs…2 of which he wasn’t like he is now -love bombing!
    Whatever she’s doing to him is making him worry , look older and causing him to drink in excess!!! Almost always drunk or looking to bum money to get the liquor.
    I recently realized through reading that it’s not good for me as I’m making myself a victim too!!?!
    I can now relate to the difficulty of breaking away!!!
    I watch him go From a loving , kind adorable man with a smile & a hug to a mean, evil creature in a matter of minutes! If I continue to accept this abusive ways, under the ‘guise’ of helping him, I will become HIS victim! But, I know so I’m NOT!
    Wow, what a revelation that was/IS!

    Like

  3. The affects that I saw up front/liveof Stockholm’s syndrome in the cycle of love bombing, confabulated promises of wealth, silent treatment, the full gammet while telling him he’s no good with finances, he’s an idiot, lazy slut, pig…and he works slave labor for his ‘do-called’ brother working like 10 men & comes home “dead tired” becoming angry/ENRAGED GIVING HIM ONLY EMOUGH $$ for a bottle?! She steals every penny from him causing him to depend on her for every Sustaining life’s necessity. Tactics of gaslighting, blame, everything continues & it’s extremely debilitating!!!
    Over time , just as you stated abuse the psychological & emotional, I think sexual too is getting worse. “I wish I could talk to you” & “I can’t talk” (is said repeatedly!) HES in 100% denial and is a robotic Slavs to her every whim.. It appears as she once came in his (so-called’) house/jail cell & he just left me because (as if hyptmotized), he had go with her to pick out a washing machine home although we had plans I watched him obey without uttering a word as if hymtnotized?!
    I know that I must now break away. I visit him several times a month so he’d not go completely insane because years ago I loved him!
    I realized that the effects this emotional & psychological (seemingly sexual too) abuse has on a brain was/could/IS happening to me. Once I became aware of me becoming his target, knowledge is definitely power, I feel part of a book! After I got over my hope of him getting better left my thoughts, I don’t feel for him as before! This has been going on almost 4 yreafs…2 of which he wasn’t like he is now -love bombing I guess it was initially?!
    Whatever she’s doing to him is making him worry , look older and causing him to drink in excess!!! Almost always drunk or looking to bum money to get the liquor. He can’t get any worthwhile job -only work what she finds!
    I recently realized (through reading) that it’s not good for me as I’m making myself a victim too!!?!
    I can now relate to the difficulty of breaking away!!!
    I watch him go From a loving , kind adorable man with a smile & a hug to a mean, evil creature in a matter of minutes! If I continue to accept this abusive ways, under the ‘guise’ of helping him, I will become HIS victim! But, I know so I’m NOT!
    Wow, what a revelation that was/IS!

    Like

  4. Over time , just as you stated abuse the psychological & emotional, I think sexual too is getting worse. “I wish I could talk to you” & “I can’t talk” (is said repeatedly!) HES in 100% denial and is a robotic Slavs to her every whim.. It appears as she once came in his (so-called’) house/jail cell & he just left me because (as if hyptmotized), he had go with her to pick out a washing machine home although we had plans I watched him obey without uttering a word as if hymtnotized?!
    I know that I must now break away. I visit him several times a month so he’d not go completely insane because years ago I loved him!
    I realized that the effects this emotional & psychological (seemingly sexual too) abuse has on a brain was/could/IS happening to me. Once I became aware of me becoming his target, knowledge is definitely power, I feel part of a book! After I got over my hope of him getting better left my thoughts, I don’t feel for him as before! This has been going on almost 4 yreafs…2 of which he wasn’t like he is now -love bombing I guess it was initially?!
    Whatever she’s doing to him is making him worry , look older and causing him to drink in excess!!! Almost always drunk or looking to bum money to get the liquor. He can’t get any worthwhile job -only work what she finds!
    I recently realized (through reading) that it’s not good for me as I’m making myself a victim too!!?!
    I can now relate to the difficulty of breaking away!!!
    I watch him go From a loving , kind adorable man with a smile & a hug to a mean, evil creature in a matter of minutes! If I continue to accept this abusive ways, under the ‘guise’ of helping him, I will become HIS victim! But, I know so I’m NOT!
    Wow, what a revelation that was/IS!

    Like

  5. Over time , just as you stated abuse the psychological & emotional, I think sexual too is getting worse. “I wish I could talk to you” & “I can’t talk” (is said repeatedly!) HES in 100% denial and is a robotic Slave to her every whim.. It appears as she once came in his (so-called’) house/jail cell & he just left me because (as if hyptmotized), he had go with her to pick out a washing machine home although we had plans I watched him obey without uttering a word as if hymtnotized?!
    I know that I must now break away. I visit him several times a month so he’d not go completely insane because years ago I loved him!
    I realized that the effects this emotional & psychological (seemingly sexual too) abuse has on a brain was/could/IS happening to me. Once I became aware of me becoming his target, knowledge is definitely power, I feel part of a book! After I got over my hope of him getting better left my thoughts, I don’t feel for him as before! This has been going on almost 4 years …2 of which he wasn’t like he is now -love bombing I guess it was initially?!
    Whatever she’s doing to him is making him worry , look older and causing him to drink in excess!!! Almost always drunk or looking to bum money to get the liquor. He can’t get any worthwhile job -only work what she finds!
    I recently realized (through reading) that it’s not good for me as I’m making myself a victim too!!?!
    I can now relate to the difficulty of breaking away!!!
    I watch him go From a loving , kind adorable man with a smile & a hug to a mean, evil creature in a matter of minutes! If I continue to accept this abusive ways, under the ‘guise’ of helping him, I will become HIS victim! But, I know so I’m NOT!
    Wow, what a revelation that was/IS!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s