All recent and new posts can be found here going forwards;
I feel you silently creeping through my messages, through my inbox and my text messages like an infection.
I empathise with you. I know you have a job to do. I know you’re tied by red tape, uniforms and bullshit, but I won’t keep endangering myself so you can simply push papers and not do anything.
Newsflash; he’s still out there. He’s still walking. I have to hold that knowledge and those thoughts – thinking that if it’s not me, is it some other poor girl? How young is she? A poor, innocent girl who doesn’t know her own mind? How much more damage is he doing?
I wonder how many since me? I know you must know. That number is on your head not mine.
I guess turns out the informer has become the informed…
You should stop coming here. Because you won’t find anything anymore. Because I am finding peace within myself, and that means closing this chapter and moving on.
To readers; your support has meant more than you know these past years. I’m sorry, but it’s let go, or be dragged. I’m letting go. Maybe somewhere down the line I’ll bump into one of you somewhere in the world, without realising, and we’ll share some words again.
Hey, it’s only time and space right?
I have decided.
I am so tired. Fed up. With lots of things… mainly with the system / mindset of people around me. I don’t want to start using sheep analogies, but working harder for less pay is a theme here, and spending our lives over worked, underpaid, stressed and zombified just about sums it up. Living to work instead of working to live. It’s everywhere, in everyone, and everything, except for of course – the people who are creating this system that works for them, and not the despondent class of people for whom the system was originally created in the first place.
I feel it everywhere. Maybe my eyes are more open now after everything I’ve been through? I feel it at work, mostly. The profession that I joined in order to do some good for people has resulted in sucking all of the joy and meaningfulness out of what I do. And I refuse to continue. I have no interest in being a sales person, selling my time in hourly slots to people that don’t even need or want it truly.
So I’m taking action to change things. I’m going back into my own education, I’m reading and watching and listening and learning. Opening myself up to the world again when I’ve been closed off for so long to try to heal myself. I want to deepen my understanding of everything again, get my curiosity back. Be proactive again.
So I’ve quit my job. Not completely, but my contract in essence doesn’t exist any more. I will still be working 8 casual hours a week at the gym, teaching my classes, and freelance personal training on the side. Free, and casual, as I was before.
When I was casual at my job I was so much happier at what I did because I had freedom, I had control. And gradually bit by bit that has been sucked away from me, and I just can’t do it any more. There are so many things wrong with the corporation I work for, so many things to be concerned with other than the customers well-being, and I am disillusioned. I am ready for change. To take the positive and the negative out of my 3 years there to develop into a better system.
Over archingly, I feel unhappy and disatissfied. I feel like this year I lost so much control over everything, and now I’m correcting it all one thing at a time. Taking it back piece by piece. I’m more secure and happier than I’ve ever been with Charlie. And I’m going to find a way of making life work for me, from now.
I just need to keep my mind focused on the bigger picture. Because it’s coming. And I have purpose again. I have control again.
And, speaking honestly, the worst has already happened. What do I have to fear, now that I have survived what I have?
This future is for me.
“Too many people stop dreaming and die in their early twenties…they just don’t get buried until they are 75” – Brad Sugars
I’ve attempted a clear out today. I love how travelling alters your perspective.
Admittedly I only managed the virtual half of the clearout before going back into the dissociated bleary state, but I’m going to do the rest when I have a clear head and some time again. I can concentrate for longer and longer now, I’m noticing. My brain is healing.
I’m beginning to realize that I have to reset. Completely. The issue with resetting is, there’s a lot that needs to be smoothed over before you begin, otherwise you head further into the future with all these small regrets eating away. As such, I made peace with a few people. Sent a few texts. Deleted a few messages I really shouldn’t of been hanging on to. Erased some ‘friends’ from the social network.
The truth is, some people have been negatively impacting my life, and I realized a lot of it actually roots from people I associate with when travelling to work conventions. I realized something whilst I was in America this time round – I realized that as I was sat around listening to people talk about the latest gossip, and who was in the area, how weird they were, and who had money and this and that I realized that I honestly didn’t care about any of it anymore. I’m questioning if I ever did. I still love to travel, of course I do, and I love the genuine friends I have made from my involvement with the convention scene, but the truth is, I am so, so done with so many parts of it….
…so ready to move past it. Moving my blog was the first step.
I’m considering shutting down the site after the sales have finished. It served it’s purpose for the time it was there. It’s costing me to keep it there. For those that don’t know, I’m currently in the process of selling parts of my collection, as I had always planned to, and will be listing those last items that have not sold on ebay in the next few weeks. Some particular pieces I will keep out of fondness, but the truth is, I no longer need or want this stuff around.
If you read this, and there’s particular pieces you’re interested in making an offer on, remove the brackets and email me at this address: beyond.kinnetik(@)gmail.com
Everything I have been through in this past year has made me understand how little things like this matter to me anymore – it doesn’t participate in making me happy anymore. And if I can pass it on to someone who does, then that will make me happier.
The cash can go into my savings…towards my future. The future I’m building gradually in my head, the future that I can see now.
Over and out, I’ll be blogging more lately I can feel it.
Trying to start this is one of the more difficult blogs I’ve written.
Charlie has done something hurtful whilst I’ve been away. I don’t want to go into detail, but it’s not good.
It’s been really difficult on him us being apart for the month, and he reacted poorly in a few minutes of madness according to him. We’ve become quite dependant on each other these past few months and I know it’s unhealthy. I can see how it’s happened, and it would have happened to any couple going through what we have together.
I know people aren’t perfect. But things damage me so much more now than they ever did – although I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, I’m weaker at the same time.
And it’s a really hard dynamic to manage.
Charlie is so very, very sorry. He’s been in tears, sent me email after email to try to undo the damage he knows has done in a few moments of brain hiccup. I can see in his face when we’re on the phone that he’s in pain for hurting me. I don’t think he can articulate it actually.
I forgive, of course I do.
But it hurts anyway. Especially at night. Like now. It’s always worse at night. I can think about something all day, and only feel the impact at night. He asked me not to tell anyone what he did. And that’s really hard for me because now I have to carry it alone, the way I have everything else for so long.
I wonder how I’ll ever continue to travel alone without worrying about a repeat of this?
Every time I book a flight will I be worrying this is going to happen again?